Most of us aren't afraid to go home late.. okay accept for the fact your parents might lock you out because you fail as Cinderella and the clock happened to strike twelve one tick too fast. We all have to admit, most of us are not afraid to stay out late, because we think Singapore is safe.
Other factors aside, I feel the most important one is that we have a lack of competent gangsters.
Why do I say so? If you recall, when was the last time you got beaten up by some hooligan off the street you might have some trouble, others will be crossing their fingers while telling me it was just the other day.
While gangsters in other countries form triads reputable enough to even make officers cower at their toes, local triads only make it as far as the kopitiam, drowning down gallons of Carlsberg while portraying the beauty of the Hokkien dialect at Chelsea scoring a goal, accompanied by relevant hand signals. I swear to god a deaf foreigner will do sign language back.
I shall attempt to disseminate and highlight differences in gangsterism
Appearance
Next we take a look at the differences in a micro-level, down to each individual. The average local ah-beng dresses in tapered tight jeans, always with holes. To qualify as a full-fledged local gangster, your hair cannot be black, and you must have holes in your body big enough to steal bubble tea straws with. In addition you must have proficiency in at least three four different languages, (only keywords) and breathe only through a cigarette.
The overseas gangster will differ in-terms of appearance by class. While lower level "runners" dress very much alike our local pathetic-excuse-of-a-gangster ahbengs, the higher levels put on a suit with sunglasses. (I lifted that off a movie, don't argue with me, they say what's on TV is always right) Even higher classes will don a five figure Armani suit.
Admission
In the section, I shall highlight the pre-requisites of gang admission. The overseas triad will usually put you on a "probation", requesting that you rob that old granny or extort money of some small kid. Only after successful completion of the tasks are you then accepted into the brotherhood.. or sisterhood, whichever applies. (Niggy i think they will have problem placing you)
Then we take a look at the admission criteria for the local gang. (Notice the difference in terminology, gang & triad) Well basically there's like none, you just have to have the brain of a turkey or a deprived and abusive childhood. Just offer tea, down that beer and you're in.
Activities
All gangs will of course have "outings", or so we call, activities. The local gang usually hangs out at a shopping mall, and contemplate on stuff they will like to... lift. After many shoves and whimp-calling. A feeble teen is chosen. Already wetting his pants, he attempts to pocket that new Jay Chou album while the rest of his team stay on high alert... looking out for uniformed old men nearing their eigthes, whom are supposed to be able to catch up to teenage shoplifters. The coast is clear, the teen strides with an aura of confidence out of the shop, thinking that he has succeeded. Seconds later, sirens blare, and he starts crapping in his pants. His "team" scatters out of sight so fast, breaking the sound barrier in the process. The teen panics and is eventually held down by old men in blue, catching up in their walking sticks. Only when the CD is retrieved from him does the teen realise there's a sensor tag there...THEY are the only reason why you see your local security do not bother to hire able-bodied guards.
The overseas gang however sits quietly in a van with ski-masks on. The doors suddenly slide open and they exit, spotting their target. Seconds later, they are back in the van, with the victim. No questions asked.
Ascension
All management systems require a hierarchy of authority, "ranks" or so to say. In the local gang because of their limited activities, there are basically not many chances to ascend to new heights. Your rank is determined by your loyalty as a dog to your gang, and the amount of cash you steal for your boss.
Because of the wide range of social activies the overseas triad engages in, from Arson to Assassination, there is very much chance for a newcomer to climb the ladder quickly. Activies come with credit points, depending on their level of stupidity. Also, honour comes from your abilities to destroy your liver. Being able to empty 4 bottles of vodka also make you respected.
Aggression
" EH, YOU STARE WAD STARE? " This line, recited more times then the bible, is the oldest testament a gangster will use as a pick-up line. Usually the aggressor will reciprocate with similar language, punctuated by a string of vulgarities. The situation heats up, the number of members on both sides multiply faster then Anthrax released in Beijing. It looks like a bloody battle is about to begin.... Then suddenly, one man from a side steps forward, while the rest back off... the other side complies, sending out their best man. The chosen warriors step forward. This is it, it looks like its one man for an army... this was Troy. The men inch closer, as if trying to cut the battle short... their hands extend, ready for battle................and they shake hands, saying peace.
This looks like a movie by Rudolph Maté, director of D.O.A and if I see this in a cinema, I will empty my popcorn on whoever picked this show.
We sail across the seas now, it's a crowded bar. Some people just cant keep their eyes to themselves. They must stare and glare. Unfortunately, his eyes fall on a triad boss. The boss stares back. Unsure of his dire situation, the individual continues, the boss.....smiles back at him. The individual is taken aback, and quickly turns away... All seems well... but don't look now, I think I see a Bacardi flying for him.
Verdict: Be thankful people, you live in a city where child-porn watchers hail more respect then gangsters.
If any of you decides to go into teaching, I will strongly urge you to setup a school for these lost souls on how to be a proper gangsters, but beware. This is going to be no easy feat. Besides the long hours you will have to spend to teach them how to use glue. You will have to have an eBay account, to start buying in some brains to upgrade theirs. I also recommend you send them on exchange programmes overseas to meet their fellow counterparts to learn how things should be done.
Singapore is really growing to be a pathetic nation, we don't even have proper vice.
"...its a small crime... and I've got no excuse.. is that alright?"
0 comments:
Post a Comment